Ivoarana: 15 reasons why Puerto Rico should be our next state

You know what our flag’s missing? A 51st star.

So, Puerto Rico for statehood, it is — huzzah!

Wait, I can sense your hesitancy. Is it because of the quirkiness of the number? Because I refuse to sit here and listen to any hate speech about “51,” you rabid anti-semiprime-ite!

Or … maybe it’s because you don’t think the Caribbean island’s star will fit in the already over-crowded bluey recess that is Old Glory’s canton. Well, we could always just hide it in one of the stripes. Better yet, just replace South Dakota’s star with it. No one will care. Done and done.

Oh, I see. This is about money. Sure, Puerto Rico’s on the verge of filing for bankruptcy. But is there anything more American than being broke right now?

Because if you’ve been struggling to find just one issue to agree with Jeb Bush on, this is it: He’s 100 percent down with PR statehood.

Still not convinced? Here, a very palindromic 15 ways the Rico-suave US territory should become state No. 51, leaving Guam and American Samoa back at the kiddie table (sorry, guys).

1) The Vandy man can

If it’s good enough for the Vanderbilt family, it’s good enough for us. Back in 1919, Frederick William of said Dutch dynasty built the not-coincidentally named Condado Vanderbilt. It recently reopened after a $200 million reno; if you’ve never used one of their business butlers, you’re truly missing out. From $225.

2) I’m about to go HAM(mam)

Speaking of the joint, P.S., Puerto Rico’s first and only hammam can be found at The Spa at Condado Vanderbilt.

3) Barley legal

Here, the minimum drinking age is 18. You’re welcome, incoming Universidad de Puerto Rico freshman.

4) Five and dimes

There’s not one, not two, but five Miss Universe winners from the island (no, thank you, Mr. Future President of the Universe Donald Trump).

5) Now we’re cookin’

Xavier Pacheco — to the right of Navy restaurant’s Camille Becerra — helms La Jaquita Baya.

Like any good countrymen, Puerto Ricans like to eat — maybe even more so than Mississippians — so it’s little wonder the island is home to a great many top chefs and their respective kitchens: Juan Jose Cuevas (1919 Restaurant), José Santaella (Santaella), Mario Pagán (Laurel), Pedro Álvarez (AlCor Foods Inc.), Jose Enrique (El Blok), Wilo Benet (Pikayo), Alfredo Ayala (Chayote), Xavier Pacheco (La Jaquita Baya), Kevin Roth (La Estacion), the list goes on.

6) Branching out

While it’s probably no picnic for the thirsty trees themselves, there is such a geographical curiosity as a tropical dry forest, so-taxonomied for their unusually long droughts. Outside of Hawaii, Puerto Rico would be the only state to have them. But if you insist on the rainy varietal of trees, verdant and hiker-friendly El Yunque — the only rainforest in the US National Forest System — is always willing to wet your whistle.

7) Blue light special

Outside of a few Berlitz-cribbed foreign words embarrassingly butchered at a waiter, rarely do we vacation with an expanded vocabulary. But Puerto Rico’s got a good one: bioluminescence, a k a “living light.” In bay form, it’s a pool of millions of one-celled dinoflagellates — oh wait, another sexy one! — that glaze the water in neon blue. There’s only seven of these bio bays in the world, and Puerto Rico has three (including the Guinness World Record holder for brightest: Mosquito Bay).

8) ‘A three-hour tour … a three-hour tour’

Puerto Rico is home to a real-life, really named Gilligan’s Island (the western-most cay in Cayos de Caña Gorda), just a quick boat ride away from Copamarina in Guánica; ideal for snorkelers and professors, alike. See it by inflatable beer-friendly Jacuzzi (towed by a real boat) when you stay at nearby Copamarina Beach Resort & Spa in Guánica. From $269 (Ginger and Mary Ann not included.)

9) Get on board

Other than Cali, Hawaii and Florida, Puerto Rico would be one of the few states perfect for surfing year-round. San Juan-based Courtyard Isla Verde‘s gnar surf-n-stay package can get kooks and groms started with daily lessons. From $199.

10) Second to nun

Sing it, sister, at Old San Juan’s centrally located, centuries-old Carmelite nunnery, Hotel El Convento — the only Small Luxury Hotels of the Worlder in the ‘hood. Have the property’s chef give you an herb garden tour with bottomless bubbly and then prep your meal. Then lock down the sail-n-stay package to San Juan Bay, from $270/night.

11) Take the money and rum

Like we need to tell you Puerto Rico is home to both the Bacardi and Don Q rum factories (as you already did your mini-bottle research on the plane coming over). But you might not know the island also has several craft beer brewers like Barlovento Brewing Company in Manati, Boquerón Brewing Company in Cabo Rojo, FOK Brewing Co. in Caguas and Señorial Brewing Co. in Ponce, just to name a few. But back to that rum. Famed Gotham mixologist Lynnette Marrero’s secret rum cocktail, Chino Latino, is made with 2 oz. Don Q Cristal, ¾ lemongrass lime cordial, ½ oz. coconut water and ½ oz. lime juice. You’re welcome.

12) You clammed up

You can chow down inside a giant shell-shaped restaurant, Perla, at San Juan’s La Concha Resort. The menu’s fittingly mostly surf plus a li’l turf.

13) Sugar rays

Hear ye, hear ye — bikini season is dead, long-live fat season! The Doubletree by Hilton San Juan is getting things started with its “Sweet Treats” package, including signature fresh baked chocolate chip and walnut cookies at check-in, handmade gourmet chocolates, comp’d breakfast and, randomly, admittance to the Puerto Rico Museum of Art. From $249.

14) Fiesta, forever

A little bit Mardi Gras — OK a lot bit Mardi Gras — La Placita de Santurce in San Juan transforms from mild-mannered marketplace by day into an orgiastic food-and-cheap booze-fueled dance party by night, especially on weekends (the Puerto Rican word “weekend” means Thursday-Monday).

15) Tax breaks on fleek

Totally unrelated to its current financial whoops-a-daisy, Puerto Rico is gently reminding the world of its three-year-plus-old, tax-haven-y legislation which provides tax breaks for business owners and investors looking to relocate to somewhere sunnier than Wall Street. “Act 20” offers a flat 4 percent tax on earnings, as well as 100 percent tax-exemption on dividends or profit distributions from export services (you must employ at least 3 people). “Act 22” exempts business from taxes on dividends and capital gains, red meat for hedge-funders, asset managers and traders. I don’t understand what I just said, but there, I said it.

15 reasons why Puerto Rico should be our next state

The tinted-lensed denizens of Puerto Rico's Guánica municipality are as beautiful as the land itself.

By Chris Bunting

15 reasons why Puerto Rico should be our next state

Ivoarana

Tuesday, October 20, 2015